im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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