I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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