Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
