A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
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