Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
