drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
