can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
