where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
