Your dad touched me again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
