I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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