I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
