No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
