I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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