Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
