youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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