So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
