I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
