The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
