Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
