Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
