i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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