Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps

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(703): i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps http://tfl.nu/14e5

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(773): Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket. http://tfl.nu/bfmy

Replies (22) Good night (4040) Bad night (698)
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(206): View more from Washington

He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.

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(206): He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears. http://tfl.nu/u9sm

Replies (20) Good night (2165) Bad night (3616)
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(202): Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke. http://tfl.nu/as75

Replies (8) Good night (1165) Bad night (4606)
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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(317): I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it. http://tfl.nu/klgn

Replies (8) Good night (6296) Bad night (914)
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(702): View more from Nevada

It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

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(702): It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B. http://tfl.nu/uw83

Replies (8) Good night (1296) Bad night (2457)
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(618): View more from Illinois

He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."

(224): View more from Illinois

Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.

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(618): He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you." (224): Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out. http://tfl.nu/vy5b

Replies (8) Good night (1771) Bad night (887)
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(905): View more from Ontario

ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.

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(905): ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all. http://tfl.nu/qym2

Replies (4) Good night (1649) Bad night (603)
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.

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(402): Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord. http://tfl.nu/2tip

Replies (9) Good night (480) Bad night (1160)
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio

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(651): Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio http://tfl.nu/cnyx

Replies (6) Good night (1079) Bad night (688)
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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"

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(203): If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am" http://tfl.nu/kogk

Replies (5) Good night (741) Bad night (1514)
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(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

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(407): It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs. http://tfl.nu/mrim

Replies (8) Good night (1228) Bad night (599)
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(615): View more from Tennessee

He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?

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(615): He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse? http://tfl.nu/y22f

Replies (0) Good night (456) Bad night (238)
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(443): View more from Maryland

The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?

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(443): The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB? http://tfl.nu/r425

Replies (9) Good night (772) Bad night (382)
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(616): View more from Michigan

My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here

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(616): My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here http://tfl.nu/8jqj

Replies (4) Good night (249) Bad night (67)

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