Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
