if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think my vagina is haunted
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.