There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
