True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
