I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
