my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
