he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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