just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
