god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
