So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
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she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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