Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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