my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
