That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
