I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
