Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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