HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
