I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
