I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
