I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
