The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
