I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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