Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
