My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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