how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So much rum. So many feels.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
