this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
