Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
