I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
