I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
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Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating