I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
