Buhtt sex?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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