Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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